My Calling

Today while travelling to the office I was thinking about how my day would be spent. I was late already, reaching at 11 in the morning and leaving early in the evening sure tells something serious about where your career is heading. Despite complete awareness of the fact that I am not completely involved with my job, that Im not good at what I do, infact I suck at it, I carry on, each day, spending it, passionless,aimless, I just do what Im supposed to do and bring no energy and no innovation to my job. I take no initiative to learn, to improve, to bring meaning to my work, despite that I shamelessly dream about landing a lucrative job or getting that ultimate desire of every IT professional, an ONSITE! How could I even dream to be so lucky knowing that Im far from worthy? Who am I fooling? God helps those who help themselve, I know. I also know that I for sure am doing nothing to change my situation. I've been in the mode of denail from the very first day I got this job, Im unsure of my potential but what Im sure of is that IT is not my calling at all. Then why am I sticking to this rather dissatifying and misfitting job? I guess its the money which keeps me going, although what I get is just about enough to survive in the super expensive city of Mumbai. Also there is four years for graduation and two years of job experience which would go down the drain if I change my profile. Then again I can't deny that there is haunting fear of failure and struggle that would be vital to start from scratch. An MBA would be an natural extension of my years in engineering and the logical next step to a lucrative career oportunities that would succeed. But then I've realised that an MBA is not my calling. Its not that Im too lazy and reluctant to invest a few years studying, infact that's what I'd really love to do given a chance. I want to go back to books and knowledge cause there is no greater power than the power of education. For me right now I feel like an illiterate for education in the very sense of it, I haven't acquired. My years in engineering would have been converted to four whole years of technical enlightenment had I been inclined to study technology. Yet I managed to finish college. Sometimes I deeply regret my decision of taking up this course, what was I thinking?

Between all this confusion and disappointment, there is this deep sense of content. My job may not be rewarding and satisfying but it sure has resolved a lot of my family problems. There have been times when my mother had needed financial help and I have been in a place to offer it to her. My brother is still to finish his graduation in a professional course that compliments his personality and will take him places. Im glad I could do my bit to ensure that his stay in a city away from home is comfortable and rewarding. Im glad that I could buy an AC for my parents bedroom, for was very unsettling for me to see them tolerating the summers in Indore that refrains you from a peaceful sleep at night. I am happy that Im independent, somthing that I always wanted to be. But I wonder how long would this material hapiness last. When I weigh my fortunes against my longing for a better career, Im filled with immense sense of loss. My talent is going waste and all the years that can lead me to a more interesting, even if less rewarding carrer, if I choose to pursue my dream and answer my calling, are being spent in futile chores of the day at a misfitting career before a laptop that I use not to write something worth while, but to code. By the way, Im sure people in my league know that we are mere coders and not Programmers. We don't design and innovate, we just use and reuse, we are best at copy-paste! Having said that, I'd like to believe that Im not alone in this supreme dilemma of life. Infact most of us spent our days trying to figure out what is it that we'd really like to do and be good at it. There will be people in there 40s who'll tell you that their current job or any of their previous jobs did not match their calling and they still dream to one day do what they'd really like to do. But knowing what you don't want to do still puts you at a better place, is what I believe. So for me I know that IT is not the industry which can benifit from my talent and hardwork, that's for sure. I'll survive for a few years more, maybe I'll even land my self in a well paying job or like I said that ultimate dream of every software engineer, an ONSITE. But I know I'll always remain just a face in a sad crowd. I don't mind being a commoner, but I definately mind being unproductive. The guilt of drawing a salary that I do not rightfully deserve and managing to meet my deadlines, rather than pushing my limits to excel in the work that I do, would one day take its toll on me.

So Im giving it a serious thought now, I don't want to be too late in anwsering my call. I don't want to miss on the opportunities that I have as a single independent individual, to take risks in life and to do what I know I can be excellent at. I am still unsure of my plan of action, but Im going to work towards it. I know this will need a lot of courage and a hell lot of struggle but I promise myself to answer my calling. I want to study communications and media. I want to learn the art of writting. I want to learn event management and people management. I want to indulge in the nitty gritties of advertising and marketting a product. Only after I have enough knowledge of various opportunities in media will I truely understand where I want to head. Writting shall always be the background of anything that I would want to pursue, that is certain. So what remains to be done is to GO FOR IT !!! Having said that, Im going to evaluate, analyze and prepare to make a smoothe transit. I guess we all must let our mind speak and follow our heart. Think about your true calling.